November 21, 2018 3 min read

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they've only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift - romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend's younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she'd like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.

The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.

But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realising. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.

Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

The Office (US) Xmas

12 REASONS WHY SECRET SANTA IS SO MUCH FUN (NOT) 

 1. Sh*it Gifts 

You spend ages perusing online, trying to find that special something to buy for your KK AND then you end up getting a crappy mug with a xmas tree on it and a sachet of hot chocolate or something equally shi*te back in return. I mean I know Christmas is about giving, but FFS

2. There is nothing you can do about the injustice of it all 

You've just got to grin and bear it. Shouldn't there be some kind of Secret Santa ombudsman for times like this?

3. It's pot luck

And because fate is a cruel mistress, you will inevitably end up picking out the person you know the least/hate the most, and you'll resent having to spend your hard earned cash on them

4. It breeds passive aggression

"Here you go Karen, I got you a peppermint body lotion set (because you fu*cking stink) .

5. The budget is basically pointless 

         What pointless crap can you get for $15? 

6. The 'gift face' struggle is real

It's bad enough having to pretend you like the cookaburra tea towel Aunt Doreen got you when she's sat opposite over Christmas dinner, but when there's about fifteen faces all peering across as you open your Secret Santa gift, and ANY ONE OF THEM could be your Secret Santa? that's anxiety inducing. 

7. It literally never stays a secret

And anyone who actually refuses to say who they've got during a sly office kitchen gossip needs to loosen up, tbh. 

8. The pressure to be funny is too much

Trying to buy something that is funny is just too bloody difficult (unless of course you have discovered The Inappropriate Gift Co) 

9. You have to buy different wrapping paper

Because if you wrap your present in the same paper as the rest of your gifts and some eagle-eyed snooper called Karen spots it then everyone will know it's from you and all the mysteriousness will be gone and you'll have ruined EVERYTHING.

10. The sheer panic of not being able to put a face to the name you've picked out

Who the FUCK is Hannah? 

*Frantically searches company intranet*

11. There's always someone who's 'ill' on present exchange day her name is usually Karen, 

And who did they have? You. Of course they did. Which means you're landed with nothing except the pitying faces of your colleagues 

12. You can't help but compare

Comparing the gift you gave to the gift you received will help absolutely nobody. Do try to remember that. They get a bottle of Veuve, you get a grow your own snowman.

Blow Job Payment

Mrs Browns Boys